What’s The Best Way To Talk To My Loved Ones About OCD?

 Obsessive-compulsive disorder touches so many aspects of our lives, especially our relationships.

I like to remind my clients, “you don’t exist in a vacuum.” Meaning, OCD doesn’t sit on the shelf while we get on with other things in our life, it comes with us.

This can be especially difficult when OCD wiggles it’s way into our friendships, family dynamics, and romantic relationships, where it can be incredibly difficult to know where support ends and compulsive reassurance begins. 

So, how do we bridge the gap between the isolation that can come with experiencing OCD, and maintaining enough vulnerability to keep our relationships healthy?

Here are some points to consider when discussing OCD with your loved ones:

Consider your motivation

Ask yourself why you feel the desire to disclose before having the discussion.

There are certain motivations that foster healthy connection points, like “I want to have a closer connection with my partner and give them insight into my internal world” or “I want to provide context for my behavior so that my friend and I have a mutual understanding of why I withdraw sometimes.”

However, there are also motivations that feed in to our anxiety and end up making us feel more isolated, like “if I don’t tell them all of my symptoms right now I am a liar and am definitely going to hell,” or “I have been faking this entire time and once this person knows the truth they will leave me, so better get it over with.”

Understanding your motivations will help you understand if this disclosure is meant to bring you closer to your loved ones, or to seek reassurance which can end up worsening your relationship.

Pace yourself

It can be tempting to get it all out in one go when we have tough conversations, but trickling out information when we share about our OCD is an approach that is typically more effective.

We don’t have to hand our hierarchy over and lay ourselves bare in order to be authentic in our disclosure.

It is OK to provide resources on OCD like podcasts, books, or even this newsletter, as it can feel daunting to bear the weight of explaining the nooks and crannies of your diagnosis all by yourself.

Consider inviting your loved one to a therapy session where they can learn from a professional, or even ask the kind of difficult questions you might not want to hear (but they deserve answers to) while you step out for a moment. 

Create an elevator pitch 

Sometimes having a script of what you would want to say when talking about your experience can be a helpful tool. This can be tailored to the person and situation, but can be reflected on as a baseline each time you have the desire to talk about your OCD with someone new. For example:

“I have OCD and I’m telling you because I know sometimes my behavior can be confusing and I wanted to give some background. I’m not ready to go into all the details, but I thought it was important to bring it up. Times I may need some extra support are [insert some difficult situations]."

Manage your expectations

Sharing parts of ourselves is an inherently vulnerable exchange. Sometimes as humans we expect a perfect, regulated, and supportive response because we just did so much hard work exposing ourselves and we deserve it, dang it! But this isn’t always how it plays out.

Remember that the person you are talking to is also human, and may not follow the dialogue you wrote in your head for the perfect response.

It is okay for them to have questions, or if they don't “get it” right away. Remember, you have gained an intimate understanding of living with OCD over time and usually through lots of research and therapeutic work, they haven’t.

At the end of the day, we all want to be accepted and loved for who we truly are.

There is so much joy to be had on the other side of vulnerability, and self-disclosure if one of the most powerful ways to foster connection and combat shame.